Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh Collection

Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh

Do you want to laugh out loud?

These quotations will make your day cheerful and you will earn some positive energy that will heal your inner self and your… craziness!

Laugh is therapy! So enjoy!

Charles De Gaulle Quote: He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
Funny Quotes to make you laugh

Funny Quotes to make you laugh

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”

Albert Camus

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”

Anton Chekhov

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”

– Benjamin Franklin

“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?”

– John Barrymore

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

– Rodney Dangerfield

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”

–Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

– Billy Sunday

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”

–President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”

–Mitch Hedberg

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”

– Robin Williams

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

– George Carlin

“All men are equal before fish.”

– Herbert Hoover

“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”

–Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”

– Bertrand Russell

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”

– Helen Rowland

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”

– Al McGuire

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”

– Prince Philip

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.”

– R. D. Laing

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

– John Hughes

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”

– Ann Landers

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.”

– Henny Youngman

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

–Les Dawson

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

– Bob Hope

“Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”

– Joan Collins

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

–Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office

“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”

– Bertrand Russell

“Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.”

– Jim Rohn

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

– Bernard Baruch

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”

– William James

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”

– Bill Maher

“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”

– John Wayne

“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”

– Bob Thaves

“I hate women because they always know where things are.”

– Voltaire

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”

– George Carlin

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

– Albert Einstein

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

– Andy Rooney

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”

– Benjamin Franklin

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”

– Bill Vaughan

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”

– Bryan White

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

– Henny Youngman

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

– Rodney Dangerfield

“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”

– Robert Orben

“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.”

– John Maynard Keynes

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”

– George Carlin

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

– Albert Einstein

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”

– Ann Landers

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”

– Benny Hill

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”

– Harlan Ellison

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”

– Redd Foxx

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”

– H. L. Mencken

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”

– Ambrose Bierce

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”

– Betty White

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

– George Carlin

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

– Robin Williams

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”

– Billy Connolly

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”

– Alexander Woollcott

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”

– Bertrand Russell

“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.”

– Harry Hill

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

– Phyllis Diller

I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”

Jack Whitehall

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

– Bill Watterson

“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”

–Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

– John Hughes

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”

– Ashleigh Brilliant

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

– Arthur C. Clarke

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”

–Mark Twain

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”

– Andy Borowitz

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”

– Yogi Berra

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

–Ellen DeGeneres

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”

–Dave Barry

“Trying is the first step toward failure.”

–Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

– Woody Allen

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

–Zach Galifianakis

“Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.”

– Yakov Smirnoff

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

– Winston Churchill

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”

–Jay Leno

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

–Oscar Wilde

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

– Yogi Berra

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

–Noel Coward

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

– Winston Churchill

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”

– Yogi Berra

“What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.”

–Aunt Voula, My Big Fat Greek Wedding

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

– Woody Allen

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

–Sir Norman Wisdom

“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”

–Adam Gropman

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”

– Wilhelm II

“We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”

– W. H. Auden

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”

– Carl Sagan

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”

– Casey Stengel

“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”

– Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

– A. A. Milne

That’s all! The “funny quotes that will make you laugh”. Stay in for more happiness!